More recently (last tuesday) we went to Don Henricos Banawe and had a sumptuous Buffet as a close to the year (although not all our grades have already been released)
 

i was trying to send this but was not able to during finals anyway its still nice to contemplate on the loss of my "costly" mane 

all will come to pass

the school year coming to a close is an event i
seem not to notice / not that i ignore it
purposely but it really seems to pass my
attention / my imminent failure perhaps clouds my
senses as part of my emotional defense / it hits
me from time to time / there's so little chance
this time / i am literally at the mercy of my
professors / well you may not know the problem so
i will elaborate / i am having trouble in
pharmacology / one (just one) of the dreaded
second year subjects / i really cannot blame
myself this time (i usually do) / i did what i
had to do (well most of the time that is) / there
were bouts of laziness i admit / but very
insignificant / i do not say this to do justice to
myself / for no justice can lift me here from
where i am / i am simply mentioning facts / for
most part of the year i have actively
exothermically fought to achieve an acceptable
mark / but of course to my dissappointment / i
did not even get an 'acceptable' / it seems i
improved / a little / too insignificant still /
well / i recon / if ever i repeat this subject /
ill see to it ill pass the next time / what can i
do with the numerous free time but study pharma :-)
i do not have heavy feelings
/ i am grateful everyone in my family is
understanding of my circumstances

With One More Look At You

I've always loved the melody of this song but I have just listened carefully and felt its lyrics earlier. Barbra sung this song as the finale of the movie A Star Is Born where her husband Kris Kristofferson died. You can just feel the emotion in this song, as you have personally lost someone. She recorded this (as well as other songs in the movie soundtrack live).

With one more look at you
I could learn to tame the clouds and let the sun shine through
Leave a troubled past and I might start anew
I'll solve the mysteries if you're the prize
Refresh these tired eyes
With one more look at you
I might overcome the anger that I've learned to know
Find the peace of mind I've lost so long ago
Your gentle touch has made me strong again
And I belong again
For when you look at me
I'm everything and more than I have dreamed I'd be
My spirit feels a promise I won't be alone
We'll love and live more, love live forever!
With one more look at you
I've learned to change the stars and change our fortunes too
I'll have the constellations paint your portrait too
So all the world might share this wondrous sight
The world could end each night
With one more look at you
With one more look at you
I wan't one more look at you

Cardio Day : Retrospect

Which reminds me of lola, which case we presented in our CP Integ, quite interesting too. Because of her age she had multivalvular disease which involved regurgitation of her Aortic, Mitral, Pulmonary and Tricuspid valves, she presented with syncope with probable TIA. It's cardio day everyday :-)

Cardio Day

I am already becoming convinced by the minute that we are being built up to be cardiologists either by destiny or by our mentors.

Yesterday, we handled two interesting cases, one, a very rare condition termed dextrocardia, when the heart (supposedly positioned in the center with its apex towards the left side of the body) is positioned with its apex towards the right. We are lucky to have encountered this kind of condition and again lucky that the person was a kind and gentle man who allowed us to examine him. God bless him.

We also handled a middle aged woman who had Patent Ductus Arteriosus undergoing Hemodynamic Studies and being considered for surgery sponsored by a UST Foundation. As per yesterday's news, she is lucky that she is considered an ideal candidate for the corrective surgery. ~LZ

Pharma - by the prayers of Mary

At long long last! Maybe some people won't believe it, but... (at last) I passed a Pharma exam! So, it's not true the first time always hurt (hehehe) on the contrary, i enjoyed it very well I even shouted in glory! (when i found out i reached the threshold, that is) Anyway, it's really exhausting swimming against the current of Rio Pharma but I'm still holding on. In retrospect, I remembered last year that I promised myself to study hard in advance so that I won't experience the last minute super-study and super-prayer sessions but I seem to be an expert on last minute bursts of effectiveness.

I remembered the weekend when we were at Cha's house (it was my first time to play billiards), It was shameful I tell you... I can't get one ball in and I was thinking maybe my partner Marose was already getting annoyed by it hehehe BUT! we won! and guess who shot the eight ball in!? ME! the first ball I shot through was (drum roll please) an eight ball! The last ball supposed to be put in, I jumped in joy literally that time. hehehe

I hope I don't do it with Pharma but if it's the only way I'll pass I'll accept it :-) Zagato-OUT!

Life after CP iNtEg

Not all may understand what I'm pertaining to and one person I know may also just laugh and then think of her blunder on understanding this USTFMS jargon as "Clin Path" Integ (hehehehe). well... it has already been a few days since our victory over the forces (of evil?) ...perhaps of intelligence but I still feel the overshadowing melancholy that creeps every person on the brink of a CP Integ. I feel for those who are now faced with this task especially in these times that there's a multitude of blessings (in the form of torture that is) that come our way, there's the Micro Case Presentations, the unavoidable Pharma Seminars which for some unlucky classmates drop like Minola Gay's Package on an exact week with their CP integs. ... time for a breather ... one feels empty really like you have nothing to do when you get over this hurdle, and you crave for tasks WHROA ROMP ROMP devouring all the necessary little duties written in your planner so as not to face another cramming period which you swore will never happen again after cp integ.

oh... you can't imagine how relieved i am to get over this task...

Afternoon Delight! we played billiards, had a videoke showdown and... ate! Thank you to our hostess Ms. Cha Balili and her parents 

Thank you to Aids for treating us to Dencio's :-) Happy Birthday Dr. Aninias! 

Alipio Reunion 2004 Concorde Village Parañaque 

Rose and Grace's Restaurant in Laguna A2 eat-out after the gruelling pharma herbal plant experiment at Philip's "Gazeebo" :-) otherwise wonderful farm fronting Laguna de Bay 

Happy Birthday Steff and Benrub! Chef d' Angelo Robinson's Place Manila  

How lucky can you get! Wowowee! Section A Christmas Party at the Cabalona residence in Tandang Sora. The High Priest Zagato with (L-R) Niña, Flo, Kim, Ghanda and Lhalha 

The A2-A1 Videoke Challenge! (Dec 20, 2004) A2 was victorious, or so i've heard :-) Thank you to our hosts, Mr. and Dra. Arcangel, Ton and Kloa.  

I have been sanctified! My arrival to a2 has been blessed with two wonderful meals already, one at Dad's-Saisaki at Glorietta a few weeks ago and last night at Napoli's Timog :-) and they have been wonderful experiences. Thank you to the wonderful people of a2 :-) 

Me and my subsectionmates at Fontana Leisure Parks a week ago. :-) Its a blessing to be away from the drag of medlife

Through the intercession of our Lady of the Most Holy Rosary La Naval de Manila, Protrectress of the Philippines and Asia, I passed Parasitology!!!! Thank you Mama Mary :-)  

looking back at the pictures i have posted here in my blogpage, i noticed something... i have always posted pictures of people (people, people who need people... (what is it with me and songs lateley? hehehehe) ...are the luckiest people in the world...) people keep us going, people give us hope (or take them sometimes for that matter) but it is all about people and loving them isnt it? ... im not here in this picture even if the 6th person in this picture only is a heart he may be a whole person (kaya lang super hyperthropied nga lang hehehe laki ng puso no!?) these are my classmates... this may be something like what MAY happen in the future ... just them... no me... so MAGSIPAG KA PA LORD ZAGATO! put up a good fight! 

oh tell me.... where is it written what it is im meant to be?... (a line from "a piece of sky"). i just finished reading a little book "tuesdays with morrie," this really gave me hope on life... i mean what is failure really?? failure is giving up so im not giving up even if i know ill lose in the end, at least i died with dignity... to marge my little princess and to tina godess of all virginities (hehehehe, kaya ko pang magjoke) thanks for everything up to now... sana makakita ako ng magtiyatiyaga sa akin katulad ng ginawa niyo hehehe 

a lot has happened since i posted something here, for one, prelims has already passed by, and for another i felt i have accepted the death i am to face in the not so distant future.... i am pictured here during our cat exploratory laparotomy. the cat was not supposed to die or else our grade will get asphxiated with the cat's nine lives :-) i notice i manage a meager smile 

with the Chairman of the St. Luke's Emergency Department. i had a fruitful two days at the st. luke's hospital sponsored STAT-MED seminar, topics were everything related to emergency medicine. i think i even convinced myself i want to be a forensic doctor cum lawyer-geneticist hahahahaha! well... we'll see... most of the speakers kept me awake especially the ones on today, there were also workshops aside from the talks, and i think my most enlightening experience was being informed of the current status of emergency medicine and our capabilities to respond to emergencies especially mass trauma and maybe terrorist attacks here in the Philippines. you will be surprised that we have a lot of organizations that are active in planning, promoting, and implementing such disaster plans. i do hope we never come to a point we'd have to activate them, although that is an impossibility in our country... 

with the Philippine Authority on Forensic Medicine Dr. Fortun 

with Mr. Arnold Clavio 

My New Subsection :-) 

Our Great Facilitator Dr. Fernandez accompanied us for a visit of the UST Clinical Division O.R. Of course we had to wear scrubs, everything was soooo clean hehehe. I remember being so happy the other week when former dean Dr. Tan-Alora complimented me during our practical exams. I never thought "I thought that was good (smiles)" would sound SOOOOO HEAVENLY!

isn't she like BUTTAH!? 

we visited plm today it was wonderful to see everybody again 

 

['pal-pa"tion]

the day has been funny and quite amusing for me, i woke up 2 a.m. "tried" to read to where i can go and then left for school 5:30 a.m.

starting the day inside a room called "heart house," it seems to me that the room was very inappropriately named, for it was in my vision that a room called as such would be a room where compassion abounds, well... rather later, i discovered it was but "passion" than the former hehehehe

the room looked like the private theatre of a well-off businessman. walls covered in cloth-covered cushion with patterns similar to those of heavy curtains in palaces. carvings ornamented the finials above pillars, walls can be retracted to reveal hidden video screens, whiteboards, and other learning materials. seats firm and noticeably new! and you can even say those seats can outrank and maybe compete with all pride with my country's best movie theatres. well.... it was in this room that i was.... touched....

ahhehehe pardon to the people who touched me :-) i feel just hmmm shall we say "amused" by my experience.

had i known being a male medical student was like hanging a tag on my neck "please touch me" hahahahaha i would have done this dieting before i went into medschool. i would have even lived in the gym so as to not disappoint my ehem "worshipers" hahahahaha

well... poked under the nipple ahahahahaha (no offense meant) well i felt embarassed by the stretch marks i bear which form even more complex river deltas than the amazon... urgh i tried not to think about it really. so there, i even experienced having my BP taken from both arms at the same time! well... i am just flattered that when the doctor said find a partner, most of the girls looked my way and smiled hahahahaha (rather concieted, pardon to my readers) i just think they trust me, hehehe hope so

so to continue.... on we went to the wards, where i again... laid in bed to be touched, i could have started to sing "she touched me" here and there, everywhere! hahaha not quite but then someone just said tht the residents were asking us why are we staying there so long? and had we not known that it was a TB ward!? so that ended my dreams hehehehe and now i write these here sleepingly in almost the time to change the day thinking when will i have to be touched again (i must prepare) hekhekhekhekhek

la douleur est bonne

pain is something no one really wants to feel. who’d say they do? well… maybe masochists, but then again, i consider myself a masochist. up to a point maybe.

there are a lot of kinds of pain, a medical student would say, there is somatic pain, visceral pain, oh g’damn’it! (i never can get rid of medicine i realize now), ask a psychologist and he’d say emotional pain, psychosomatic pain etcetera etcetera etcetera…

i cannot say i am happy god gave me not one but several kinds of pain to enjoy to realize my humanity, but i do appreciate it, i accept it. it is often difficult to thank him for it, i always remember one story… a story our rector from highschool never tires telling as i remember. for saint therese all sacrifices were offered for others “lord, let this small sacrifice be for the souls in purgatory..” she would often say. but i try to. i thank him for my pains.

emotional pain, mental scourge, they come and go and often lingers, especially for people of my clique, the seemingly cursed medical students who lives day to day with all woeful mental torture that i seriously believe adds up to our mounting madness. but i accept it…

pain came rushing in like those boys that died on omaha beach during d-day, this time, it is physical, spreading through me like infantry triggering mines my long time malady set. i endure it like those poor german perhaps, knowing my defeat imminent, yet never surrendering.

… i’ll never forget this moment, i know i can use it many times in the future to put myself into perspective especially for my patients (if i live up to that)… and i’ll never allow those who i know suffer to continue to suffer… not unlike people i feel are doing to me… people who i expect would come running and soothe me… “father god in heaven, let all my pains be for the people who are suffering more than me, give them peace, give them your everlasting soothing spirit of love, never let them loose their courage to face their difficulties.” never… --lz

wake up call

i admit i have been always trusting, sometimes to fault. i cannot say i don’t deserve to be disappointed, because as a matter of fact, i feel i do. i trusted too much. in fact again, may i correct myself with… i really just ‘trust’ too much, even until now.

hmmm… people i guess (even those who are genuinely good) sometimes subconsciously take advantage of others. they may not know it, god bless them, but they do. they do. i felt taken advantage of actually (please depart from the ishtar thoughts), and what i can’t understand is why i always try to justify what others are doing to me! imagine feeling deceived and then letting yourself still be exploited. what am i doing?

i hope i can resolve this. i must just try, for i know i can be unpleasant… really… and some people just don’t know it by hearsay, they’ve experienced it. it is sad that sometimes i have to resort to those kinds of things but sometimes it is called by the situation.

Part I : Memories of a Year Past

(March 2003) Last school year was probably the most stressful school year I have ever been through. To start, I did not even enjoy pre-graduation nor graduation periods because of the seemingly hasty occurrence of… well… everything! After that, I got little time to relax during the holy week and then the “very” fast paced life once again of a tourist-vacationer beset me during our trip to the U.S. (continued below \/)

I don�t seem busy here, do I? Hehehe, a few days spent mowing my uncle�s lawn and trimming the hedges did not help losing any pounds. (continued below \/)
 

to make a looong story short, we drove for 2 days to all the way to florida (we came from New Jersey of course) and stayed there for a good week (I think??). the most satisfying experience for me though was finally seeing the Smithsonian Institution! It�s a scientist�s fantasy of course. And the National Museum of Natural History (Part of the Smithsonian which is actually a collection of buildings along The Mall) is probably a biologist�s mecca! All my enjoyment ended of course upon our return to good damned �ol Islas Felipinas. My paternal grandma died (which prompted my mom to go home earlier than us), and worse, I have to start medschool hehehehe. Actually at that time I did not really feel that way, it is just now reminiscing that I realize that I should have forseen the suffering I was about the face. (The dark side of the force must have been clouding my senses) On my next blog I�ll talk about medschool�s first quarter. May all of my readers be blessed by the godess with everlasting fertility.