pain is something no one really wants to feel. who’d say they do? well… maybe masochists, but then again, i consider myself a masochist. up to a point maybe.
there are a lot of kinds of pain, a medical student would say, there is somatic pain, visceral pain, oh g’damn’it! (i never can get rid of medicine i realize now), ask a psychologist and he’d say emotional pain, psychosomatic pain etcetera etcetera etcetera…
i cannot say i am happy god gave me not one but several kinds of pain to enjoy to realize my humanity, but i do appreciate it, i accept it. it is often difficult to thank him for it, i always remember one story… a story our rector from highschool never tires telling as i remember. for saint therese all sacrifices were offered for others “lord, let this small sacrifice be for the souls in purgatory..” she would often say. but i try to. i thank him for my pains.
emotional pain, mental scourge, they come and go and often lingers, especially for people of my clique, the seemingly cursed medical students who lives day to day with all woeful mental torture that i seriously believe adds up to our mounting madness. but i accept it…
pain came rushing in like those boys that died on omaha beach during d-day, this time, it is physical, spreading through me like infantry triggering mines my long time malady set. i endure it like those poor german perhaps, knowing my defeat imminent, yet never surrendering.
… i’ll never forget this moment, i know i can use it many times in the future to put myself into perspective especially for my patients (if i live up to that)… and i’ll never allow those who i know suffer to continue to suffer… not unlike people i feel are doing to me… people who i expect would come running and soothe me… “father god in heaven, let all my pains be for the people who are suffering more than me, give them peace, give them your everlasting soothing spirit of love, never let them loose their courage to face their difficulties.” never… --lz
No comments:
Post a Comment